Wednesday, November 7, 2007


it's his little glance that i remember tonight, i was still drained for some reason, a wounded pride or a broken ego. I cannot recall what was the real ground, really, all i know is.. that trivial glance was actually the beginning of the story about the love that never was.
when i was little,my idea of love and broken heart could happen only in a heading called relationship. I call it love if it is shared with somebody, broken heart if the love's not given in return. That was anyway, a product of juvenile thoughts. Not could happen in many different ways, even the love that never was. It never was because it only materialized and shared for a moment in the mind and perceptions. Not formally. Not in a relationship. Not in a commitment. Or.. if it really existed, it was matter between him and his feelings, me and mine, never between us.
strange...because though were not a pair, but we both have cared, we both counted the cost. We didn't share that love methodically by having affinity but somehow, love grew. Though it only exist in our dreams but we're both aware of each other's existence... and potentials that are not yet realized. It only ran in the mind but we still managed to create something rare and that's what made it special. We have seen each other at our best and worst in daily association and in practical living. We created a thought that our company could be sustained over a period of time w/o becoming repulsive or boresome if not with the opposite statute that we both steadfastly hold. So we just felt the magic for a while and in the next moment, feel the force of moving away. It injures... but loving him is a thing i couldn't change yet and maybe not in a long, long while. But this feeling is mine to keep, it will never become his.
Just a thought that if these things happened when I was little, maybe i cried. Maybe I remorsed and regret, maybe I died. Because those were the times when I cannot appreciate the many values in life. Those were the times when I wasn't ready yet to admit defeat, when I haven't yet felt the great desire to do something larger like getting hurt and mending it alone but still keeping those well-deserved peace of mind. Now, I put emphasis on the challenging times because if it's not for this, I'm not the one who I am now. The love that never was and the pain provide strength that proved my self-worth, my individuality and trademark of courage that gave meaning to my existence...and I'm proud I've been to that long, long way that others failed to see.
Now, I'm rechanelling all negative thoughts and emotions, for self-preservation, for moving on. The story of the little glance is very trivial to tell. But it's going to be kept through the years until new love chooses me again. That must be real, pure and genuine... The love that everybody longs for, the love that really exist, the love that lasts for a lifetime. Like a little dead leaf from an old tree, the little glnce will be forgotten, the love that never was will just pass by...

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